Sunday, December 20, 2009

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Phrases i Wish i knew in Japanese

* Can i pat your dog? He has a really cute jumper!
*Hey i met you at that cool shop the other day.
*All these purses are really awesome but im trying to not spend all my money!
*I really like your hair.
*No you cant take the condom off now.
* Yes it is handmade. I made it. My friend made it.
*Are we changing buses again or is this a short break?

Monday, August 31, 2009


Last night around midnight i saw a screaming ambulance pull up across the road.
Some boys waved them down and they raced into the Mcdonalds to assist someone who was obviously sick. I made up stories in my head as it was late and i was fuzzy and tired after work.
Alcohol poisoning, choking on a pickle, o.ding on eccys.
I got on my bus when it came and as we slid slowly past the restaurant (if you can call it that)
i saw the staff continuing to serve customers while the paramedics crouched over someone in the corner.
there was something so disturbing and wrong about that scene, it made me feel so dislocated from the world i exist within and seemed like an obvious metaphor for the problems of the world.

Monday, June 22, 2009

i heart queer genderqueer transbabe porn!

yesterday. last night. i followed a whim.
even though everything inside me is turning inward. i decided to try to reflect out. to be the courageous confident kid that sometimes lives inside me. when its not all overwhelmed by self doubt and over analysing.

i took up an offer to help with a photo shoot. turned up on the doorstep of a house id never been to with people id never met. i met a whole group of people immediately, while my virgin bike legs still wobbled from the ride. i was offered west coast wine coolers, a drink i have never had before but that tastes just like passiona, and drunk quickly trying to break my nerves.

i feel like the woman who had invited me over had read me well. or maybe just didnt even care. but i felt comfortable sitting amongst a pile of fetish outfits on the couch. talking about strap-ons and coming up with ideas and poses for the photos we were going to take.

i love being a photographer. i love porn. i love taking photos of amazingly diverse bodies and genders and sexualites. everyone so uniquely divinely sexy. beautiful.
i love the art of intimacy, trust. the intuition of finding a comfortable space to share with someone during an experience, creeping beyond the walls of self guard to find inner truths. vulnerablity. all this makes me feel so alive. precious.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

whats your code?!

This is the hanky i made for the hanky code party thats happening in a couple of weeks! try to guess what im flagging!?

The Hanky Code is a traditional form of signaling to others what your sexual preferences and interests are. Gay men used this code to communicate with each other in the noisy and distracting environment of gay bars. Although not as widely used these days, it is still a worthwhile resource and is, among those who know, a great conversation starter.
Hankies are usually worn in either the back left or right pockets, however, they can also be worn around the wrist, around the ankle or leg at the thigh above the knee, or around the neck with the knot/tie going either right or left. Other objects can also be used such as keys and key chains or watch fobs and even a set of handcuffs (Bondage), to let people know if you are 'top' or 'bottom'. Left = Top/Active and Right = Bottom/Passive. If worn in the back on the center belt loop, it translates as 'versatile'.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

i <3 paddys market!!

New Wig!!!! loves it so much i think i might wear it all the time! didnt even cost me that much. only buy wigs in sydney they are so so cheap! im defo going to get more, especially cause im growing my hair out now and its at a weird stage. isnt it always?!

shooesss and stuff!

I really <3 Charlotte Olympia shoes!!! AAANNnnnddddd.
This Alexander Wang leather vest amazingness!!! so much hotter than a bumbag!!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

despair inc.

i stumbled on this site ( while looking for comics to assist me with my existential crisis.
you get to make up your own demotivational posters, mugs tshirts ect.
its kinda funny. for like five seconds.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

a rant about cabs

i was tired and stressed. i had money to catch a cab to the airport but was guna catch it only to the train station. at the last minute i changed my mind. thinking i had that sweet cash in my hand and two huge bags that were too heavy to lug very far.

the cab driver seemed friendly and we started chatting immediately. he was an older big burly man. maybe into his fifties. within five minutes he'd told me about coming out of the closet in his middle age and how his mates at the meat works had taken it. he told me about friends that had committed suicide struggling to come to terms with being gay. and how friends and family had come to terms with his sexuality.
he told me how he had been so worried about telling his pastor that he was gay because he loved the church and was sure he would be kicked out. but still needed to be honest about who he was. the pastor told him god loved everyone including gay people and eventually with the help of pastor from another church set him up with his current boyfriend who he now lives with.

it was so great to talk to him. he was so open about who he was and what he'd been through. he told me he thought i looked just like Cyndi Lauper, which was awesome!! and we ended up talking about music that we loved from the 70's and 80's.

sydney was another story though. i kinda get anxiety in cabs. i just feel like im being fucked with or something. most times i get cabs from the airport and people assume i dont know the city well and try to take me some stupid long route. the first cab i got in i asked the driver if he knew how to get to my suburb, which is only 15mins away. he said nope. and i said how do we get there then, cause he didnt have a gps. and he shrugged his shoulders. so i took my bags and got into another cab. this guy had a gps but when he found my street it was a one way street and he couldnt drive into it from where he was. he tried to get me to get outta the cab then. it was so freakin annoying to have to tell him that he had to drive me to my house and that we'd have to find the way into the street. annoying. seriously. so we had to double back and it cost me so much more money. i have an intense thing about cabs, i just cant understand how their is no basic level of service at all. it kills me.

so now im in sydney and its grey and really wet and cold...

Monday, June 15, 2009

getting away with what you can...

small triumphs.

i planned to get my learners license replaced today. after the mess of new years travelings and parties i had lost it, along with a whole plethora of things. never to be found again.
i cant believe im still on a learners license and dont know how to drive. but anyways. i digress.

i always seem to get really intensely unintentionally weird photos. the last one i looked like some nordic viking with long white dred plaits down the front (?). and the photo before that i looked like a mulleted dude called steve.
today i wanted to see what i could get away with in terms of makeup and accessories. i was quitely surprised that they didnt even hesitant with me. my eyes completely shrouded in yellow and green makeup, a big green bow and a ninja turtles kercheif!
thank you queensland transport. you and your shitty lamenated licenses are less lame than i thought!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

calling out of context

"Of course it is a pity that so much of all creative work is so closely related to the personality of the one who does it.
It is sad and embarrassing and unattractive that those emotions that stir him deeply enough to demand expression, and to charge their expression with some measure of light and power, are nearly all rooted, however changed by their surface, in the particular and sometimes peculiar concerns of the artist himself, that special world, the passions and images of it that each of us weaves about him from birth to death, a web of monstrous complexity, spun forth at a speed that is incalculable to a length beyong measure, from the spider mouth of his own singluar perceptions.
It is a lonely idea, a lonely condition, so terrifying to think of that we usually don't. And so we talk to each other, write and wire each other, call each other short and long distance across land and sea, clasp hands with each other at meeting and parting, fight each other and even destroy each other because of this always somewhat thwarted effort to break through walls to each other. As a character in a play once said, 'We're all of us sentenced to solitary confinement inside our own skins.'" - Tennessee Williams

Monday, June 8, 2009

what's in a name?

i was thinking about my name tonight. A while ago I adopted a nickname, a name used for projects, performances and art. which has now become a full time, and sometimes name.

it is strange the attachments we have to names. names we were given, names we chose, nicknames, names that mean nothing, names that we know longer identify with.
when i say my birth name it feels like a strangers name. not my own. the words and tone doesn't sound right. it doesn't flow off and around my tongue. my last name is my fathers. something that fills me with shame, anger and pain. a lagging reminder of days gone by. i feel no ownership over my birth name, it is something alien to me.

my chosen name. 6 syllables of sound. three in each. easier to say in Japanese tongue. for some reason,easier for my mouth to round out those sounds.

it strange though how i never imagined how other people might be attached to my birth name more than me. a name they have called to me a million billion times. variations of the name shortened and stretched as intimacies and endearments change and grow.
loz, lozzy, lolly, lollipop, lull, L, lozbot (3000), lozenge, lozcunt, lozdoggg, lozbaby.
i have a friend of mine that has been introducing me to new people as okapi for awhile now but still calls me up and quietly, hesitantly calls out my birth name when i answer.
is your memory of me tied to a name?
but i dont want to take that from people. to say hey. you cannot call me that anymore. but sometimes i really need that acceptance of the shift that has happened within me. which i have marked by a name change.
i think about myself, my own life, and the many friends of mine that have changed at the very least their names, often with a transitioning of gender. i think about how that felt for me. when someone would pull me aside and said, hey this is my new name, and this is the pronoun i am going by now. the process of adjustment. thinking in your head before speaking until it became natural and familiar. feeling a sense of love and hope at having been friends with someone long enough to see them grow, change and transform into more and more beautiful selves.

i know a friend of mine that never used to correct people when they got her name wrong. she'd just let them call her whatever they wanted. i thought it strange at the time. she said it didn't really matter, it is just a name and doesn't really mean anything anyway. and sometimes i would do the same thing when people misheard me and would start calling me the wrong name. id let them, just to see what it would feel like to be called by another name. and how that may change how i felt about who i was...

Thursday, April 30, 2009

all i want want want

maybe if i just... i would be happy.

*lived life like a joni mitchell song
*had a road bike instead of a mountain/bmx hybrid
*had a long wig in bouncey blonde and dark and mysterious brunette one
*went on more dates
*wasnt allergic to so many things
*had a cleaner room and i could find something, anything
*had overseas plans i was excited about. an escape plan of any kind
*could get the books i wanted from the library and didnt have to order them from the states
*could be bothered to go to yoga and be the fit & flexible person i dream of
*could back up my lifes work on my computer without it doing weird shit and corrupting files
*had headphones that didnt press on my ears and give me headaches
*lived in a different city
*had gotten into uni and not just shortlisted, or applied to more than one uni
*had the fifth season of the L word waiting here for me to watch
*had an honest conversation with you about what is going on and how we both actually felt
*could eat sugar without it fucking me up. ditto for coffee
*find out who the designer was for these awesome hot purple platforms i saw on tv
*went to my mums house and my dog was still there and i could pat her
*rewind time and do it all again
*didnt have a house with such a seriously bizarre and all consuming ant problem that i can only be apathetic about
*had more people around me that creatively stimulated me or could actually have plans that stick with people that are around, here, somewhere
*was happy with what i had instead of what i think i need or want

Friday, April 24, 2009

'Tell me,' I said at last, 'is there really no other way for you but this? To kneel down forever before an army of boys for just five dirty minutes in the dark?'
'Think,' said Jacques 'of the men who have kneeled before you while you thought of something else and pretended nothing was happening down there in the dark between your legs.'
I stared at the amber cognac and at the wet rings on the metal. Deep below, trapped in the metal, the outline of my own face looked upward hopelessly at me.
'You think,' he persisted, ' that my life is shameful because my encounters are. And they are.
But you should ask yourself why they are.'
'Why are they - shameful?' I asked him.
'Because there is no affection in them, and no joy. It's like putting an electric plug in a dead socket. Touch, but no contact. All touch, but no contact and no light.'
I asked him: 'Why?'
'That you must ask yourself,' he told me, 'and perhaps one day this morning will not be ashes in your mouth.'
-Giovanni's Room
James Baldwin